Shallow | Center

'Twas the Day After Christmas

CHRISTMASTIME, FOR ALL ITS JOY, is hectic, to say the least. Christmastime with a 4-year-old is more hectic. Christmastime with a 4-year-old and both sides of the family over for dinner is most hectic. And so there hasn't been anything here since the middle of last week. Whatever you celebrate, and even if that's nothing, I hope the last several days have been happy and joyous. No matter where you come down on the religion thing, I think the Gospels' emphasis of the Christmas season as time of peace on earth, goodwill toward man is a universal hope. Let us pray, or fervently hope, if that's your bag, that those who make the decisions here and in other countries heed this timeless and all too relevant call.

Crass Interference

Unnecessary and Unfunny, a Remake of The Longest Yard Gains Nothing

REMAKES ARE INHERENTLY unoriginal, but done correctly, they can offer a new twist on their source materials, sometimes even besting them. Steven Soderbergh's breezy, sleek version of Ocean's 11 comes to mind. Done incorrectly, they leave you wondering why anyone bothered to produce such a tepid copy when the original was so good. (The Manchurian Candidate, anyone?) Then there are remakes such as this year's version of The Longest Yard, which is not simply unoriginal but also, more unforgivably, bad filmmaking to boot.

The Ed Pool

Channeling His Predecessor, Gillick Brings Aboard an Anonymous Reliever

TO UNDERSTAND HOW DESPERATE the Phillies must have been to jettison live-arm, dead-head starter Vicente Padilla, just listen to the team describe Ricardo Rodriguez, the achingly mediocre player to be named in the deal that sent Padilla to the Rangers:

"We're trying to get a little more depth in our pitching staff," Phillies general manager Pat Gillick said. "We're trying to give Charlie [Manuel] and [pitching coach] Rich Dubee a few more people to make choices from, come spring training.

"Rodriguez has had some limited success. He wasn't real successful last season, but he's had some flashes of success in the past. So we're going to take a look at him. We'll see if he fits in the bullpen."

Bleeper by the Dozen

How the *%#& Did This Lame-Looking Sequel Get Greenlighted? Oh, That ...

SOMETIMES, YOU THINK, the posts just write themselves. After spending weeks seeing commercials and billboards shoving the upcoming release of Cheaper by the Dozen 2 down my throat, I decided to fight back. Who, I was going to ask, was looking forward to an unnecessary sequel to what had been an unnecessary remake? Looking for a little evidence, I surfed over to the Internet Movie Database to see just how little money Cheaper made when it was released two years ago. And there I found a little problem.

Stern of the Crew

Howard Tunes Out, Takes Off

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY of the rest of Howard Stern's life. Howard, as you may have heard, broadcast his final show on so-called terrestrial radio Friday; in January he'll begin a five-year, half-billion-dollar contract with the satellite radio service Sirius. Because this was such a watershed cultural moment, he spent the last couple of weeks running off at the mouth to anyone holding a microphone or tape recorder; I especially enjoyed the insightful interview with Knitting World. Regardless, Stern has rather enjoyed spending the last couple of decades as a martyr, I suspect, and he's often been his own worst enemy, baiting the cultural conservatives and the FCC and then objecting incredulously when the bait was taken.

Custom-Made

In the Season of Traditions, How Does a Family Make Its Own?

WE'VE BEEN TALKING a lot about traditions at Shallow Center Central of late. Even the most frenetic, seat-of-the-pants household likes to do things a certain way, following its own traditions, at Christmastime, and we're no exception. The wrinkle this year is that the 4-year-old, after a year or two of mostly wondering what all the fuss is about, has truly come into her own in terms of holiday immersion. She's all about speculating on gifts from Santa, bugging her mom and dad to tend to the Advent calendar each day, watching A Charlie Brown Christmas every night, and the like. And that has Mrs. SC and I trying to figure out how to establish our own family traditions so that she grows up, as we did, with fond memories of the season and an understanding that her home is a place where special, unique things happen in late December.

Around the Horn

A Look Back at the Week That Was

• For the Philadelphia sports fan, winter begins prematurely. Again. | Phanatic Phollow Up
• Finally, some thoughtful, reasoned insight on how to fix the Eagles. | Philadelphia Will Do
• Another Billy Joel sighting at a restaurant? Ah, that's been done to death. | Gawker
• Braden Looper signs with St. Louis. The Phlogosphere yawns. | BeerLeaguer
• Party on, Terrell. And piss off, A.I. | The 700 Level
• Why do our local TV weathercasters try so hard to scare the crap out of us? | Philadelphia Weather
• Buzz Bissinger, Tony LaRussa, and John Grisham shoot the shit. | Caught Looking
• Mourning Leo McGarry/Tommy Mullaney. | Minutiae
• Damn, I miss Sports Night. | A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago
• Free J-Mike! | Phillies Nation
• When bad punctuation happens to good movies. | Defamer
• You work in HR. Your boyfriend, who might be The One, works at the same company. He reveals that 20 years ago he pleaded guilty to a minor infraction, spent a few days in the joint, did his community service, and served his probation. He never mentioned it on his job application. Do you narc him out? | Ask MetaFilter
• Frank Fitzpatrick still can't bring the funny. | Morning Bytes

Slow Turning

The Wheels of Justice Finally Crank for J-Mike

IF YOU HAD TAKEN A POKE at a cop outside an Old City club at 2 in the morning, do you think it would have taken five months before you were required to stand before a judge for a hearing? Allow me to answer for you: No. But that assumes you're not the fourth outfielder on the local MLB team in town. Yes, friends, Jason Michaels, twice the beneficiary of postponed hearings, finally begins the duty of facing the music today. In case you've forgotten, he is charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, simple assault and reckless endangerment. Which helps to explain the happy image at right.

Family Matters

Why is the NBA So Quick to Doubt the Intentions of a Man Who Misses His Wife and Kids?

THERE'S A VERY INTERESTING sociological aspect to the buzz surrounding Stan Van Gundy's recent resignation as head coach of the Miami Heat. Van Gundy's publicly stated reason for stepping aside was to spend more time with his family, but virtually no one in the basketball world believes that. Most observers think that Pat Riley conked Van Gundy in the head with a vat of industrial-strength hair gel and ordered him to resign so that Riley could return to the bench. I barely keep up with the 76ers, let alone any other pro hoops team, so in no way would any opinion of mine regarding this situation even approach informed. What intrigues me is the disbelief accompanying Van Gundy's laments of missing his family.

Jeff and Phil's Excellent Adventures

'Survivor,' 'Amazing Race' Finish With Flair

AFTER PREVIEWING the season finales of Survivor: Guatemala and The Amazing Race: Family Edition on Sunday, the least I could do was follow up with some thoughts after they aired. The two-hour length of each show was too long by about 30 minutes, but thanks to TiVo, we were able to start about a half-hour in and still be caught up by the time the credits rolled. Thankfully, our patience in sticking with each show was rewarded with reasonably compelling viewing.